Month: August 2022

Want to destroy your relationships? Here’s how

Featured by xavierfigueras, posted in Coaching, Leadership

We are all different, each relationship it’s unique and therefore it’s logical to think that the reasons that can destroy a relationship will be different in each case. However, would it still be possible to determine at some extent what are the common denominators that destroy a relationship?

In 1986 John Gottman started a research for 14 years with the goal of discovering the patterns that lead to a rupture. By the end of the investigation he was able to predict the relationship failure with a 90% of accuracy. So, what is it that he found out?

The four horsemen of the apocalypse

When John Gottman concluded his investigation he detected four destructive behaviors and used four horsemen of the apocalypse analogy. These are:

Criticism

“you always <action>”, “you never <action>”, “what is wrong with you?”, sounds familiar? Here we assume there is something wrong with others or other actions, and instead of trying to understand where the undesired behavior came from, or share our feelings, here we finger point the other, which will more likely trigger defensiveness or even another attack rather than actually solving the problem.

Contempt

Contempt is the king of the destructors as we disrespect the other in all its splendour. With a hostile communication, we diminish the other, making him or her feel less. If the other person has a little self esteem or has a minimal will to express his/her needs, unhealthy conflict will arise with barely chances to reconcile.

Defensiveness

Here we perceive an insult, mistreatment or malice of the other, we feel injustice and we get angry. Good remedies here are be aware of when we are becoming defensive, and start to think of what is the good intention behind, so that we can find another truth besides the one we initially defend.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling occurs when the conversation is unfinished or when there is no progress towards a resolution. To prevent it, define the rules that can help you express yourself, what is it that you need to be transparent? if you don’t think you can do it, you can get a mediator too.

AN INTERESTING EXERCISE

We all use to trigger at least one of the four destructive behaviors. An interesting exercise is to do a self-reflection and pick the one that you think you use the most. Then, without sharing your selection, share the four behaviors with someone and ask for feedback. Did you see yourself in the same way others see you? Being aware of it, will already be an important first step.

“There are systems that are unavoidably meant to be destroyed”

Marita Fridjhon – Co-Creator of ORSC

Related material:

www.gottman.com/about/research/

www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

Agile Game Development – Book Review

by xavierfigueras, posted in Game Production, Leadership

The Game Production subject I teach ‘Game Production’ at TecnoCampus as College Lecturer it’s based on a book called ‘Agile Game Development’. Here you can find my thoughts on it.

What is the book about?

The scope of the book it’s quite broad: starts sharing a historical perspective on how the game development has changed over time, explaining the impact agile had in the game industry and constantly relating to the experience of the author: Clinton Keith.

For those who are getting started into agile, ‘Agile game development’ offers a deep introduction to elemental agile related aspects such as the methodology (scrum, kanban and lean) and the product backlog, all of it in a gaming context.

Clinton Keith did not only stick to the basics in this book. He went above and beyond explaining how self-organized teams look like, how to scale agile, and gave an introduction to agile best practices such as extreme programming.

What I liked about the book

  • Undoubtedly the top takeaway from this book is the multiple examples it offers putting agile into the game context. Not only from a artefact perspective (user stories and roles) but also exposing usual production mistakes and how agile helps preventing them.
  • Its all-in-one approach it’s very adequate if you are getting started as producer. If you are experiencing ‘first time’ challenges, this book will most likely solve your questions.

What I disliked about the book

  • The book chapters are not synthetic enough. By trying to cover all possible ‘use cases’, it fails to communicate clearly the final message. I believe other books like ‘The Agile Samurai’ and ‘Agile Coaching’ can help you understand the exact same concepts in a much more concise and better structured way.
  • Not all chapters are treated with the same depth. I could not find the level of detail observed in scrum and user stories when going through the self-organized teams and scaled agile parts. This is a book that could have been easily divided into many, giving a more balanced level of detail.
  • Mixing concepts with examples of what not to do. Although I understand the good intention behind sharing personal experiences, at some point it turns out confusing and do not add value when those experiences relate to bad practices. I would have appreciated a ‘this is the theory’ and ‘this is how it’s done’ simpler approach.

Summary and rating

In spite of its complexity and lack of conciseness, it’s all-in-one approach and its multiple game related examples, make of this book a unique partner for anyone who wants to get started in any of the aspects related to agile game development. If you are already an experienced producer, I would recommend you to get specific books specialized on your topic of interest.

Rating 3/5

ABCD Trust Model

by xavierfigueras, posted in Coaching, Game Production, Leadership

Designed by Ken Blanchard, the ABCD trust model sets out the four elements of trust that are critical to creating and sustaining trustful relationships. They are the following ones:

Able – Demonstrate competence. Leaders who are able earn trust by solving problems,
getting results, and using their skills to help others achieve established goals.

Believable – Act with integrity. Leaders who are believable earn trust by being honest and sincere, showing respect for others, keeping confidences, not talking behind people’s backs, and admitting their own mistakes.
Connected – Care about others. Leaders who are connected earn trust by showing
interest in others, asking for input, listening, showing empathy, praising others’ efforts, and sharing about themselves.
Dependable – Maintain reliability. Leaders who are dependable are organized, timely,
accountable, and responsive to requests; they do what they say they’ll do and consistently follow up.

Ken believed that by taking care of these 4 key aspects, we’ll be building a trustworthy relationship.

An Application

Personally I come back to the ABCD trust model every time a leader asks for feedback. In fact, we were even using it as part of an assessment tool during my stay at Roche. What we did was to break down each of the elements into 7 questions or statements. Some statements related to ‘connected’ would be:

  • Listen well
  • Praise others’ efforts
  • Show interest in others
  • Ask for input

In total we had 4 elements x 7 questions per element = 28 questions. If that’s too long for you, you can always cut a few and keep the most relevant statements for each element.

In any case we’ll get to cover the most important aspects for any leader in a relatively short time, therefore the return on investment (ROI) it’s high.

CONCLUSION

As you can see the ABCD Trust Model comes as a powerful and easy to remember tool that can be pulled at any time, responding to important questions that will bring the relationships to the next level.

Want to try it out? If so, if so, please let me know how it goes!

Leap – A Coaching Event (06.08.22)

by xavierfigueras, posted in Coaching

Last week I had the opportunity to attend a coaching event in Ho Chi Minh City (Vietnam). The event was organized by LCV, the leading coaching entity in the city, and the goal was to display a coaching movie documentary named Leap plus have time for a Q&A.

Leap – The Movie

The movie was about 4 people who are accompanied by 37 top coaches over a year. During the movie you can see how each of the protagonists live their coaching process, transitioning to a new phase through powerful questions. Here you can see the trailer:

Some of the questions displayed in the movie were:

  • If you believe in yourself, what difference would it make?
  • What does moving towards your goals feels like?
  • Who is that voice that tells you ‘don’t do that’?
  • How can you let go of the past?
  • How can you make peace with what is right now?
  • What I hear is a defense mechanism. What are you defending?
  • What for you feels more urgent?
  • If a miracle happens and you can overcome any challenge, what advice would you give to yourself?
  • What does “vision” mean to you?
  • At your last breath in life you are given the opportunity to travel in time and come to you today. What would you say?
  • When do you want an answer?
  • You are game changer, what game are you changing?
  • What is more important, the vision or the fear?
  • When are you going to stop being afraid?
  • Are you willing to do whatever it takes to make that vision reality?
  • What do you need to change in order to succeed?
  • In what direction would you pursue that ___ ?
  • What is your greatest fear?
  • What do you need to forgive?
  • If it’s not now, when?
  • What is this <action> gonna mean for you?
  • What is the intent? Make it better!
  • What do you need to go to the next level?

Besides that questions, there were a few memorable moments like when the coaching uses the ho’oponopono practice, explained in more detail here, or when the coaches change their hat to the consultant or mentoring role to give a better guidance to the coachees once in action.

One of the quotes during the movie was:

“Confidence grows when you take a risk and you survive”

To be honest, it was a lot of fun! 🙂

Q&A

In the Q&A the leaders clarified in what circumstances it can be interested to mix roles such as coaching, mentoring and consultancy. They also remarked the effects of coaching embodiment over time. The more they were coaching and listening, the less of speakers they became, and more authentic they were in their daily life.

“Be blind, my friend.”

Summary

It was a great opportunity for me to get to live the coaching vibe in Vietnam. As expected, I could spot some cultural differences, at the same time I could see no difference when it comes to the essence of coaching, based on curiosity and empowerment. Looking forward to learning more about LCV and LCV coaches.

Special thanks to my friend and coach Ly Luu, for inviting me to the event and being an excellent translator.