We are all different, each relationship it’s unique and therefore it’s logical to think that the reasons that can destroy a relationship will be different in each case. However, would it still be possible to determine at some extent what are the common denominators that destroy a relationship?
In 1986 John Gottman started a research for 14 years with the goal of discovering the patterns that lead to a rupture. By the end of the investigation he was able to predict the relationship failure with a 90% of accuracy. So, what is it that he found out?
The four horsemen of the apocalypse
When John Gottman concluded his investigation he detected four destructive behaviors and used four horsemen of the apocalypse analogy. These are:
Criticism
“you always <action>”, “you never <action>”, “what is wrong with you?”, sounds familiar? Here we assume there is something wrong with others or other actions, and instead of trying to understand where the undesired behavior came from, or share our feelings, here we finger point the other, which will more likely trigger defensiveness or even another attack rather than actually solving the problem.
Contempt
Contempt is the king of the destructors as we disrespect the other in all its splendour. With a hostile communication, we diminish the other, making him or her feel less. If the other person has a little self esteem or has a minimal will to express his/her needs, unhealthy conflict will arise with barely chances to reconcile.
Defensiveness
Here we perceive an insult, mistreatment or malice of the other, we feel injustice and we get angry. Good remedies here are be aware of when we are becoming defensive, and start to think of what is the good intention behind, so that we can find another truth besides the one we initially defend.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling occurs when the conversation is unfinished or when there is no progress towards a resolution. To prevent it, define the rules that can help you express yourself, what is it that you need to be transparent? if you don’t think you can do it, you can get a mediator too.
AN INTERESTING EXERCISE
We all use to trigger at least one of the four destructive behaviors. An interesting exercise is to do a self-reflection and pick the one that you think you use the most. Then, without sharing your selection, share the four behaviors with someone and ask for feedback. Did you see yourself in the same way others see you? Being aware of it, will already be an important first step.
“There are systems that are unavoidably meant to be destroyed”
Marita Fridjhon – Co-Creator of ORSC
Related material:
www.gottman.com/about/research/
Xavier Figueras 